I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
