You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
