everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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