I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
