Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Randomize
