I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
