I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
