you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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