My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
