I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
