I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
