did you get engaged???
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
