can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
