And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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