toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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