I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
