I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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