I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
did i walk over a car last night?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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