there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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