I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
