if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
