The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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