M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
