i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
