Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
