my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize