All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
