i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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