By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
