I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
