Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
