dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
