Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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