yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
