my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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