just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
