Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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