I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you win again, gameday.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
