from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
