Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is

Fav 26 1284 4401
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(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

Fav 23 6596 969
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(559): View more from California

The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.

Fav 7 2898 1071
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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11790 1403
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.

Fav 8 1052 1801
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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

Fav 7 3557 893
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(609): View more from New Jersey

On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms

Fav 0 54 8
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(702): View more from Nevada

Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.

Fav 0 65 10
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