3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Vodka?
Forever.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
