I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
