so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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