Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
