i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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