if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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