I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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