took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
