dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
