I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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