On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
