I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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