i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
