he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
