My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
