I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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