In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
