It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
