Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize
