Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
