How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
