Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
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