and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize