I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
