im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
